She sets her head down in her lap, the hollow aching in her more evident than ever. She’s trying to ignore the screaming downstairs and her phone going off with only notifications from the same social media sites where her so-called “friends” comment on every picture. Everything around her is negative and she’s drowning in it. The negativity leaves her in a place where she can hardly breathe and she wants to go somewhere else she can call home. So she sleeps hoping she won’t wake up and dreaming of the day she won’t.
When she awakens she’s suddenly aware of herself. Aware of the dried blood on her arms, aware of the greasy hair, aware of how fat she is and all her unwanted body hair. So she sits and she thinks for a very long time and despite the pain, showers to get ready for another day. She dares not look at herself naked in the mirror because the sight makes her want to throw up . She’s fat and she knows it because everyone does. Once she has her long-sleeved shirt on she stares in the mirror and puts up her hair.
“You have to be strong no matter what because your siblings need you for another few years. Remember college and remember how much better it could be” she tells herself.
It isn’t much motivation but it gets her through the day. After she’s done with homework and school she finds herself in bed on the internet trying to laugh at the things she sees but all she can think about is how much better it would be if she could be gone. Away on a permanent vacation in which she never has to hear anything ever again or see anything that could hurt her. Everything could be so much better but she stays. She stays through the terrifying night where the shadows make her think of the scary things. Where she sees things she can’t explain and wills everything to go away. She wants to die but not in the way the shadows she sees promise. She’s only fourteen so she can’t do anything to help herself and she needs love because she can’t love herself and no one will teach her to. She doesn’t understand why everyone is so much better than her. The movie stars are so beautiful but she isn’t and she never will be. She does the same thing everyday.
So she cries and cries until she’s twenty-four with no ties. Her siblings are fine and they’ll continue to be fine and she decides she can get her wish with no interference or guilty conscience.
She walks to her nightstand in her small apartment and opens the bottle of medication. She gets out paper and a pen then starts to write. Halfway through she gets a message from a person from high school. It’s an apology. She cries and she puts it off for another night.
She’s now eighty-five and has wished for death so many times but never followed through. She’s got four children that may not look like her but she loves them as if they came from her body. She holds her wife’s hand and her wife cries. The hospital has a particular odor that she doesn’t want to smell anymore. She doesn’t want to hear them cry anymore. She wants to go to the place where she’s always wanted to go. She made it so far that she doesn’t know if she wants to go but it’s time and she knows that. She’ll miss her life which is something she never thought would ever happen. After getting her doctorate and her job as a professor things seemed to get better. The hurt was there but the notes weren’t as frequent, and her wife taught her to love and take care of herself. She tells her wife it’ll be okay and that it’s the place she’s always wanted to go. As she slips away she can’t help but think about the 46 notes she wrote that remain in her nightstand that she never followed through with. As death nears she nears the place she’s always dreamed of because dead is the thing she’s always wished to be. Until now of course, because now she wants to live more. To sit in her chair holding her wife’s hand while the grandchildren and great-grandchildren are in their home. The toddlers play with blocks by the television and they all laugh together. They all cry together. They all live together. Together they were and together they would be…