…….

She sets her head down in her lap, the hollow aching in her more evident than ever.  She’s trying to ignore the screaming downstairs and her phone going off with only notifications from the same social media sites where her so-called “friends” comment on every picture.  Everything around her is negative and she’s drowning in it.  The negativity leaves her in a place where she can hardly breathe and she wants to go somewhere else she can call home.  So she sleeps hoping she won’t wake up and dreaming of the day she won’t.

When she awakens she’s suddenly aware of herself.  Aware of the dried blood on her arms, aware of the greasy hair, aware of how fat she is and all her unwanted body hair.  So she sits and she thinks for a very long time and despite the pain, showers to get ready for another day.  She dares not look at herself naked in the mirror because the sight makes her want to throw up .  She’s fat and she knows it because everyone does.  Once she has her long-sleeved shirt on she stares in the mirror and puts up her hair.

“You have to be strong no matter what because your siblings need you for another few years.  Remember college and remember how much better it could be” she tells herself.

It isn’t much motivation but it gets her through the day.  After she’s done with homework and school she finds herself in bed on the internet trying to laugh at the things she sees but all she can think about is how much better it would be if she could be gone.  Away on a permanent vacation in which she never has to hear anything ever again or see anything that could hurt her.  Everything could be so much better but she stays.  She stays through the terrifying night where the shadows make her think of the scary things.  Where she sees things she can’t explain and wills everything to go away.  She wants to die but not in the way the shadows she sees promise.  She’s only fourteen so she can’t do anything to help herself and she needs love because she can’t love herself and no one will teach her to.  She doesn’t understand why everyone is so much better than her.  The movie stars are so beautiful but she isn’t and she never will be.  She does the same thing everyday.

So she cries and cries until she’s twenty-four with no ties.  Her siblings are fine and they’ll continue to be fine and she decides she can get her wish with no interference or guilty conscience.

She walks to her nightstand in her small apartment and opens the bottle of medication.  She gets out paper and a pen then starts to write.  Halfway through she gets a message from a person from high school.  It’s an apology.  She cries and she puts it off for another night.

She’s now eighty-five and has wished for death so many times but never followed through.  She’s got four children that may not look like her but she loves them as if they came from her body.  She holds her wife’s hand and her wife cries.  The hospital has a particular odor that she doesn’t want to smell anymore.  She doesn’t want to hear them cry anymore.  She wants to go to the place where she’s always wanted to go.  She made it so far that she doesn’t know if she wants to go but it’s time and she knows that.  She’ll miss her life which is something she never thought would ever happen.  After getting her doctorate and her job as a professor things seemed to get better.  The hurt was there but the notes weren’t as frequent, and her wife taught her to love and take care of herself.  She tells her wife it’ll be okay and that it’s the place she’s always wanted to go.  As she slips away she can’t help but think about the 46 notes she wrote that remain in her nightstand that she never followed through with.  As death nears she nears the place she’s always dreamed of because dead is the thing she’s always wished to be.  Until now of course, because now she wants to live more.  To sit in her chair holding her wife’s hand while the grandchildren and great-grandchildren are in their home.  The toddlers play with blocks by the television and they all laugh together.  They all cry together.  They all live together.  Together they were and together they would be…

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:/

There are the days where you just don’t want to get up.  Where the motivation has left you entirely.  Now that its summer things are slowing down and although I should be writing more because I have more free time I don’t.  I’ve gotten lazy it seems.  And I’m hogging my ideas.  I just don’t publish them on here anymore.  I don’t even get on wordpress much anymore because I have no reason to.  The only reason I get on is because of Ryan.  I need the inspiration to come back :/.

.

Explosions sound in the background.  The girl looks up with a scowl on her face.  They’ve interrupted her reading.  She gets up just in time to watch another building blow up, debree blows into her face.   She doesn’t even put up her hand to prevent it from colliding with her face.  Groaning, she walks away farther as she’s been doing each time the explosions get closer. 

“Hey, make them farther away, that was a good reading spot!” She calls out up above her. 

The black creature nods and makes its way to the other creatures to pass along what their master has just told them.

………

Once I get back home I’m exhausted.  That is definitely enough interaction for one day.  I jump onto my couch.  Its nice to be distracted from thinking of him for a while.  I turn on the television and watch random crime shows.  Then the telephone rings.  In an unsually happy mood I walk over and its the girl from church.  

“Hi!  Uh I was wondering, if you wanted to come over from a bbq on Wednesday?”  She asks uncertainly. 

“Sure, its not like I’m doing anything on Wednesday” I say

*Wednesday*

When I get to her house its only her and what I’m assuming is her boyfriend’s car parked in the driveway.  She says her boyfriend is nice.  When I ring the doorbell she opens the door almost immediately with tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t hate me but I lied to you” she says.

I shift uncomfortably.

“I don’t really have a boyfriend, I was just trying to fit in a little until I could tell you” she infrorms me.

“What are you trying to get at?” I ask her.

“I have….  a girlfriend” she says looking at the ground.

I respond immediately “that’s okay!” I say truthfully. 

She breathes a sigh of relief and invites me in then tells me the whole story.

“I joined the church because I like the religion but I didn’t think about it being against gays or lesbians.  So when I invited people to the barbeque I planned to tell everyone.  I only told you about the boyfriend thing.  So when they found out they freaked out.  Apparently they’re totally against gays and lesbians.  I guess I just didn’t think about everything before I made the plans.  Its just that they seemed SO nice!  But now they hate me completely!” She finishes out of breath with tears in her eyes.

I feel horribly for her.  What a horrible thing to happen, everyone just being against you because you like something different.

“Well I don’t hate you” I say.

She smiles. 

“Okay well we have lots of food” she says, twirling around with her hand up.

We head into the kitchen and I meet her girlfriend Maddie. 

“April where’d you put the remote?” Maddie asks.

“Oh, uh, top of the tv I’m pretty sure” April says back.

“So what’s your full name?” I ask.

“April Ann Arlington” she replies smiling, “my parents thought it’d be cute to have all the A’s, yours?”

“Jillian Marie Turner” I reply.

She nods, “that’s a nice name.”

“Thanks, so is yours” I say.

Once I leave April’s house I can’t help but wonder what its gonna be like for her with the whole church kind of turned against her.  I mean there are only like five people that don’t go to that church.  Everyone knows each other.  Word is definitely going to spread fast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Safe

A picture is worth 1000 words. This safe has been through a lot. Tell its story. Image credit: “safe” – © 2007 Paul Keller – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic

 

1941:

After Pearl Harbor, they knew the Americans had it.  The documents and cures to the incurable.  Everything that mattered most to our government was in that safe, and the Japanese had found it. 

________________________________________________________________________

So I clicked on that Inspiration thing just for funzies and when I saw that safe that was the idea I thought of.  I don’t know if it’s good or not but it was my first thought.

Should I continue or not?

~Jade :)